I don’t know when it started happening, I just seemed to have fallen under some sort of spell. I was no longer picking up calls as quickly as I always had done or jumping to answer text messages and now, occasionally, I was making excuses not to be around. All we appeared to do was pick at each other, we looked to others that we took pleasure in scoring points off one another, like a tennis match but there was no umpire and the only spectator was one of my best friend’s and my flat mate La La. She sadly got to experience all the ugly truth of what was happening between Champagne Charlie and I. She always managed to see both sides of the argument, and often was his biggest supporter occasionally putting me in my place.
We were no longer wrapped up in each other, well I was no longer wrapped up in him, I never fully knew if it was me that he wanted or just the idea of me. Champagne Charlie was only concerned with his life and as long as I stayed in a corner and made no demands of him, everything in his world was fine.
I think deep down if I was really honest with myself I didn’t know if it would last as we had so many factors against us, but I was so committed. I wanted so badly to prove to the world that I could make it work. I thought that if I fought hard enough, then everything would come good. I had my fairy godmothers to keep picking me up when it all went wrong. But I was so blinded by this prince, that at times I thought I didn’t deserve. I couldn’t see that it was actually him that didn’t deserve me.
There was no big fight, in fact not many words were exchanged during the “break-up”. It was as simple as two text messages, and nothing has been heard of since. Fourteen years gone in the blink of an eye but yet it remains in my inbox, the photo’s that lined my home and the memories that I have in my heart.
There have been no tears, no chaos and certainly no laying in bed and feeling like I never wanted to leave it. For the first time in a long time, I feel free. I don’t have to change my plans, run around like a headless chicken making sure everything is perfect for him, I don’t have to keep him happy or interested, now I just have to think of me.
It is a very strange concept to get your head around when you are so focused on making sure that your life is devoted to someone else, and their every need, want and desire is met to the best of your ability. As a girl in love, you hope for your fairytale ending, your happy ever after. But what happens when you wake from your dream like state to find he isn’t the prince that you thought he was. At the time I couldn’t see clearly enough to realise that my needs were not being acknowledged let alone acted upon.
What I could never understand was that he just walked away. He never stuck around to fight for his princess that he claimed to “love”. My girlies were under the impression that he would do his usual ten day disappearing act and when I had suffered enough punishment, he would re-appear like the knight on the white horse ready to rescue the damsel in distress.
Except this time I wanted to be my own hero and save myself. I couldn’t put myself through any more lonely nights wondering what I had done wrong this time? Or how I could be a better girlfriend and fight to make him understand that I loved him and I wanted him. As I have said before, I hit my limit, it took fourteen years but finally I reached it and now its just about me.
I’m doing things for now that I have never dared to think about. I am opening my heart and my mind to new ideas and new beginnings. For the first time in a long time I am number one on someones list, my own. I’m not at the bottom waving my arms in the air screaming at the top of my lungs “pick me” like I used to do at school.
I am taking charge and accountability for only one person and that is this princess. I’m the centre of my own world and as I have said previously, my world is so full of love, that I have never opened my eyes to before and now I am surrounded by it. The best part is that it comes freely and I am not competing for it.
I will always love Champagne Charlie, we spent so many years in each others life and feelings for me just don’t disappear over night. But I know that I am not in love with him anymore. Who knows when my prince will come, but he is out there and one day we will find each other but until then I’ll be happy with just me.
No one in this world can make choices for you, you and you alone are responsible for those. But think about you, don’t become so lost in someone else that you struggle to find you. Being in love is special and often taken for granted too much these days. So please do not settle for just anything, if you want fireworks then keep lighting them until you find your spark. Because when it is real, it doesn’t just light up the sky, it lights up your life and that is the secret. When your heart is full of love in any sense of the word, dreams really do come true.