The worst part of being someone who suffers with chronic anxiety is that you have the feeling of its “all my fault”. Everything that has happened is because I did this, so it has to be “my fault”. The sun didn’t come out today, “ oh that is my fault”. Its a deep rooted paranoia that I am currently trying to drill a hole in so that I can get to the base of the problem. It is constantly there and is followed up with the secondary phrase “i’m sorry” and the third “I let you down”. That seems to be my mantra in life, and I’m working on it to create a new one because frankly this one has not served me that well, rather led me down the garden path and I’m ready for a different perspective.
Me, on the other hand just wants normality, to feel good about myself again on the inside, the outside and feel like I can trust myself again. To feel like I have a purpose, and I’m not sitting outside the main ring, watching the circus of anxiety and depression ruin who and what I am. I have always wanted it all, see the world, have a high flying career, have the best of everything, be in a loving relationship and do it all at the same time. I’ll never stop reaching for it all, it is my personality.
But, this journey that I am on has taught me to enjoy what I have, and take a moment to stop, too look around me and understand what is important in life and be grateful for what I do have. For I am the ring leader in my own circus and I control ultimately what my two performers do. They can’t perform without me, they don’t have a audience without me, and quite frankly I’m trying to get this show shut down and look for a whole new extravaganza, one that I can enjoy choreographing the way I want it to be.
No one gives you a manual on “how to be depressed and suffer with anxiety”. If they did we would all be the same. That is what is so great about this mental illness, we are not all the same, each of our symptoms, causes and reactions to it are different, and that is what is unique about it. It follows no real pattern, its a roller coaster that you never agreed to go on let alone remembering when you turned up to the theme park. Each person has their own way of sorting through it and just because my two demons, I refer to as personalities does not make me any more crazy. In fact it allows me to understand them more.
It allows me to give in to their needs and their wants, but, it also allows me to push the boundaries and challenge them when I am feeling strong enough. It is a slow process and sadly in this queue for the ride there are no fast track passes and no pre-booking. You have to wait your turn, go on the ride, hold on for dear life and know that your strapped in and safe with the best people around you. The ride will come to an end, and if you are lucky you’ll get to see the picture of how far you have come and a memory.
They also don’t tell you that the traits of anxiety and depression are your own personality traits, only amplified. They are your own fears and paranoia that have always been there, it is just someone decided to blow them up and put them on a billboard in Times Square for you and everyone else to see. To point out all your insecurities in lights, and leave you stranded in a strange place that you don’t know, and without the local guide map, for you to find your way home.
Each of our journeys through mental illness are unique, and many of us get lost, take a wrong turn or end up in a dead end. The point is that we keep trying to find our way back and that determination shows we are getting there and we are not giving up. Yes it is hard, and it is a long road, but we want to make it back. We want to be able to walk through the door of our home and know who we are, enjoy our life for each precious moment and not feel sad, worried or scared. We want to laugh, feel good and know where our place is that we belong. I want to be me, but, this time a better version that has learnt from her journey and will find her way. I will because, you may not know this but I’m Wonder Woman!