When your relationship has moved from the honeymoon period to the next level and your leaving stuff at each others places, like your tooth brush, your spare knickers and bra, the biggest and most important argument is just around the corner. The argument that all couples need to have, the one that sets the tone for the whole relationship in my opinion, who gets what side of the bed!
Once Champagne Charlie and I had this argument, it was all settled. I think it is one of the only times in this relationship, I actually got my own way. See, I have a very strange fear about sleeping near the door, so I always prefer to be the furtherest away from it. I figured if anything was to happen, or someone broke in, they would get to him first. So, he gave in and I gave him his own side of the bed, with his own drawer unit to keep his stuff in. I’m a very tidy person and need to have everything organised, so when he left things out, which he did all the time, I had somewhere to throw them into. I always wondered if he thought I was the “girlfriend” or the “cleaner”.
I’m yet to clear it out, the relationship has been over for quite some time now and still his deodorant, boxers and life are hidden away behind the frosted glass of the drawer unit. I think it gave me some sort of comfort for a while, just in case he ever did come back and then I found “my happy”. I just couldn’t be bothered to deal with the memories opening the drawers would have. But, now that I have changed so much and the time has passed, I think its about time to box him up and put him in the loft where the rest of my empty expectations of people are.
I found it hard, in the beginning that he is was longer there, it was like your favourite comfort blanket had gone missing. Although, I didn’t like him at the time, I was so used to him being around and the natural flow of my week that revolved around him. I realise now, that he was a misguided source of comfort that made everything seem familiar.
When the anxiety would bring on panic attacks, fits of crying and a feeling of suffocation, who was it I always with? Champagne Charlie! It never happened when I was with my girlies or Mama Lola, only when I was with him. I always had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he would leave, that feeling was always there. When they say trust your gut, they are right because he did, and he never looked back and now I really wouldn’t want him too.
Don’t get me wrong, I really am no angel! In fact I have made my own number of mistakes in the relationship, one massive one in particular which I will share at another time (when I am brave enough!). I look back now and get confused at the things that I think I did wrong, and what he led me to believe I did wrong. I was always chasing my tail wondering if I should open my mouth or not, hiding sometimes where I was or who I was with, as there were certain people in my life that he didn’t like.
The most amazing part of all of this is, he had access to the whole of my life, my friends and family, my passwords, my accounts, my home, you name it, I never held anything back from him. But I didn’t appear to know very much about him at all. Like, the time he went off to Disneyland with his child and his Ex, (I found out by accident months later) or the time he went off to buy a Porsche and I never had a clue (until I saw it turn up on my driveway with a private plate on it). All of the above is completely true, I do not embellish these stories for you, they are all real and what happened between Champagne Charlie and I.
Each and every time I forgave him, thinking that there is no way he would do something like this to me again, and each time he did. Except it hurt a little more and the scars, no matter how long I left them to heal were always there.
So the plan of attack is this, off to Ikea to get the “predictable” storage box and in he will go. Everything that I have lying around my home that has to do with him, the hoodies that I used to live in, his boxers that I used to sleep in, pictures and who knows what else I will find. Once that is done I will have space, space in my bedroom, space in my head and space in my heart, and who knows what I will choose to fill it with? But I’ll have fun finding out!