Apologies for not posting very much of late, I have been slightly distracted with life and also having a slight wobble of my own. You think as you travel down then the crazy path of mental illness, that it gets easier. You learn what your triggers are, you learn how to cope in situations that make you feel suffocated, and you start to focus on the good rather than the bad. You say to yourself, “damn! I think I may have this” and all your puzzle pieces that haven’t fit properly start building a new picture and then…..boom!!
You have a bad day, and for what ever reason, you hate the world, the world hates you and the negativity starts. “Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why didn’t I look at my instagram post before I loaded it, and realise you could see straight down my top and I didn’t have a bra on?” Yes, I did that, and before I had the chance to press the delete button, quite a few people had already seen it! Oh well, that serves me right for mixing Fifty Shades of Grey with girls night, I don’t think any one of us was actually concentrating!
Today was one of those bad days, it started out quite positive, I left the confines of my safe bubble and headed to the gym (sadly no Adonis today, so found it a little easier to concentrate). I came home and noticed I was not feeling quite right, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I always know when I am starting to have a bad day because I start to clean, cleaning is like meditation to me, but, there were no “namastay” today. Just Anxiety, in my head, loud and proud and she was going to make sure she was heard! As I started to clean the hob, the dishwasher, the sink and the fridge all at the same time, leaving a trail of spray bleach everywhere, she was off and running and she was going at a phenomenal speed. So much so, that at points I was racing just to keep up with her.
It was every subject, person and situation in my life that I had questions about. Over and over in my mind creating a huge number of variables that no one in their right mind (let along their slightly broken one) would be able to work out. I felt deflated, I had tried for so long now to be positive, and I thought it was all coming good. I had made the right changes, my body is a temple, I have a gratitude diary that I count my blessings each day, and all I wanted was a dark room, no conversation, my bed and a Netflix box set. That my friends, is exactly what I have done, but just for the record, no pizza and no ice cream, just my bottle of Evian. Not even online shopping or make-up was working, I’d fill my basket and press delete just at the last moment, to the sounds of “you don’t really need another off the shoulder top”.
So when La La got home from work, to find my bedroom door closed and the sounds of another crime documentary coming from it, she knew that it hadn’t been the perfect day for the girl who wants it all. We chatted for a while, no I talked at her whilst she was patient as always, and then I was making the awkward movements of “thank you for listening to me” but, I really need the dark and my room, and off I sloped back to my boudoir.
I laid there with this constant knot in my stomach and the repetitive smack of the phone to see if there were any messages that would pick me up and then I gave up! If it’s going to be like this and I’m going to feel this way, then I need to stop it before it goes to far, and just like that La La appeared in my door way, like she knew I needed her.
She hopped on the bed and the conversation started to flow, we went round in circles, up, down, left to right. We looked at it this way and then that way, “but do you think you are just transferring your feelings?”, “don’t you need to take some of your own advice?”, “why is it you can fix everyone else girl, but you cant focus on yourself?” Then she said it, the nugget of knowledge from a best friend that can help pull you out of the dark and back into the light.
La La told me that it is ok to have a bad day, just try not to turn it into a week or a month. Try and focus on what you are feeling, the reasons behind it, and acknowledge it. They are after all, your feelings and they deserve to be heard. I must still be conditioned from Champagne Charlie and the inability to open up fully.
The moral of this story? Talk it out with someone before you reach for the pint of ice cream and the pizza, or just ask someone to listen to you, because that shows more courage than drowning yourself in the chocolate and wine. Worse still, you’ll only have a few extra pounds and a hangover in the morning to show for it and then the whole vicious circle starts again, and before you know it, you have lost two days and then a third and then a forth and then you are approaching the week mark!
I know everyone is not lucky enough to have a La La but, reach out to anyone, a loved one, a parent or a friend. Ask for their help, ask to bounce ideas off them, ask them to talk to you about the latest drama unfolding on Eastenders. But, what ever you do, don’t stay in your own head and on your own, because that can only lead you down a path that you have just spent so long trying to find your way back on.
She also had noticed that I hadn’t been writing, I had tried to make some lame excuse that I had writers block, when in fact I just didn’t know what to say or what I was feeling. How could I explain it to all of you, when I didn’t know what I was working through myself. Then it hit me, just like that, I needed to write. Its my kind of therapy, apart from the gym and all the talking that I seem to do all the time now, rather than reach for the glass of wine and slap on my “world is ending” face.
With that, La La has packed herself off to bed in the attempt of a early start in the morning and I have turned off the phone! Yes, you read that right, the phone is off and I have disconnected for the day. I have lit my candles and I have started to write. Suddenly, that cloud that has been hanging over me all day is lifting and my mind is starting to calm. Ok, so it is nearly midnight and I have a long day tomorrow but I’m putting it out there, rather than loosing another week of my life, so much of which I have sacrificed already. I’m just going to put it down to this, it was just a bad day at the office! Tomorrow will be a better day. Because, when my feet hit the ground in the morning it will be “today will be a good day, and I’m going to enjoy every moment of it!”