The sister I never had…

Hey You,

The sisters have been in conversation (what we do best) and thought we would share.

My girl is suffering (the big D and A) we have nicked named them so my diva won’t hear. I thought it fitting, with the designers which used to clothe my “sister from another mister”. Her words from her blog and from her heart are so inspirational. She takes the highs, the lows, the rough and the damn well no where to be seen smooth, all in her stride. I’m or should I say we, are trying to be there for her, or to least break a cycle of her depression and anxiety, but, we are not sure what her wants and needs are and we never want push it.

I don’t think I would have survived if it hadn’t have been for the love and support Chica and my girlies have given me. To say that it has been a journey for all of us, is very true. I have had to navigate the strange path that I have been on, and the girls have had to spend time working out what mood I’m in, and who of my two friends is out to play today. They have never pushed me to talk, they just let me do what Elsa says and “let it go”, when I am ready. It has been hard, trying to explain to them what I have been thinking and feeling, at the beginning I didn’t open up that much, I wanted to protect them because of how tough things were, so I kept it to myself and fought on my own.

I can openly admit it’s tricky trying to see an illness through someone’s else’s eyes, especially when there is the person you know and love standing in front of you, like you have always known. All I can do, is be there with open arms and ears, for cuddles and to listen to her fears, which inevitably leads to the vicious cycle of another boxing match, and the only one I see in the ring, is her beating up herself again.

I don’t have a broken leg, nasty scar or visible illness to show what I have been going through. It is my brain that is broken not my body. To everyone I almost look like I am in the best shape of my life, but, it is what goes on in my head, that is where the real poison is. I go round and round analysing what has been said to me or what people do, trying to justify what I have done wrong, anxiety leads me to believe it is my fault! If someone doesn’t text me back as soon as, its not because they are busy, its because I said something wrong. What did I do? What did I say? Why am I not good enough? I go round and round until I am exhausted and ready for sleep. Sleep that never shows up because my brain just won’t shut down.

I’ve read some terrible advice from websites which is useless! The first rule in my opinion is sometimes just go with it. Don’t read too much, as everyone is SO different (how to talk to ones suffering with D&A). If you are not careful, you end up being someone your not, with the advice you give. Like your pretending to be someone else, when actually it’s not fine to pretend, it’s worse so I’ve been told by my sister. I never want to be false with this girl, why would I be she is the sister I never had. Obviously, they broke the mould I joke when creating us, or secretly for myself, would that be the three boys my parents had before I turned up.

The websites say don’t do this, and don’t say that, your friends are your friends, what ever they say to you, it always should come from a place of love. If they feel like they need to edit theirselves around you, then what your friendship is built on, honesty, is not true. Just as you have to be yourself and the thoughts and feelings that you have, you own,  your friends have to be real too, you can’t make them change themselves for you. I have always told Chica, say it how it is, please do not bend what it is you want to say because you think I can’t handle it. She has always been true and has on many occasion put me back in my box and told me things in brutal honesty, I will always thank her for that.

I want to wrap her up in cotton wool (or could be her mermaid tail), leave her to evaporate some of these medications out of her body. I’m not a massive fan of them personally, you never know what and which side affect from taking pills may come next, and the consequences which lead to later side effects. Each pill has a knock on effect. For my sister, she got her release, and her therapy is writing and venting it’s such a good release, try to find your way by a cry, dance round a room, scream, or just talk.

Medication, now what can I say about that? The cocktail of drugs that I have had to take to find the right one that works for me. I have been up, down, high at points and not knowing who I am in others, would I say medication is the way to go? Yes, I would, just until you get yourself back to your “normal”. When you get there, take your time and when you are ready, start to come off them, because before you know it, you will be taking more pills for the side effects of the ones you are on. 

The best medication I have found has been my writing, it has also been being strong enough to clear the toxic parts of my life out and start again. I have started to find me again, and who I am, the funny, strong, articulate, brave girl, that I knew was in there somewhere. I have smiles where there used to be frowns, I laugh where there used to be tears and now I’m out and in the world more than I am locked up in the confines of my bubble. 

It can be easier for someone to switch off their emotions or shut down. I’m guilty of it and hope everyone is able to, through a distraction, fitness or a hobby. I just hope for those out there with doubt in their mind, you talk to friends, rather than lock yourself away, and feel the need to deal with it by yourself. When did talking to each other become so vacant? Don’t text, just call and hear their voice, turn up on the door step. As one of my girls favourite movies of all time says “no troll left behind”. As this websites states you can have it all if you just ask for help.


Chica and The Girl


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