I always said I would be honest, so here goes! I have been having a really crappy couple of days. I thought I was flying on this new found freedom of happy and then the pilot said “we need to make an emergency landing” and here I am, feeling as though I have crash landed in depression town.
That is the thing about all of this, you try so hard and it just takes one, well a couple of things and you feels as though you have gone backwards. You are forcing yourself to go out when all you want is a dark room and Youtube. You watch your instagramme account, looking at how wonderful everyones life is, whilst your laying there hoping that the world has forgotten about you.
I knew something was really wrong when I didn’t even want to play in the make up drawer or put my lashes on. It has been a bit of a tough week, and believe me I’m not trying to complain or sympathy seek. Things have happened that I didn’t quite expect, and they have twisted my already overworked little brain into a frenzy. Anxiety has well and truly come out to play and she has kicked up a gear, when all I want to do is hide.
I keep asking myself, if I hide myself away and loose my motivation, what will I achieve? Not very much, no one else’s life will be affected, only my own. I’m so lucky that I have this space that I can share my thoughts and feelings with all of you, and somehow through writing I can try and get myself back to my happy place. I feel as though I’m rambling a little so I apologise if I am. I’m just trying to work through this tangled mess of conversations that I am having in my head and feeling like I am getting no where.
I’m currently sat at my dining room table, with my morning expresso (that thankfully did not burst in the Nespresso machine, because if it did I would probably dissolve into a puddle of tears) watching the rain outside the window. It is pretty much like my mood, grey, flat and feeling as though the best place to spend today, is under the duvet, on the sofa with the new season of Orange is the New Black. No gym, no phone, no conversations, order pizza and stay on my own. But, again, if I do that, who am I hurting? Only myself.
I need to find a way to get out of this funk! I need to take back control and think about all the things that I am grateful for and all the blessings that I have in my life. I need to come to terms with the mess that is going on around me. I need to remember that these things that are bugging my brain are other people’s problems and not my own. I know I am being slightly cryptic when talking about this, but I’m just not in the right space to share them yet. I will soon, I promise and for those who are interested in following a certain saga, you will be surprised!
I can be there to support, I can be there to listen, I can be there to do the best I can but, I can’t take these things on, I realise now that maybe I was running before I could walk, and thought that I was over all of this and that I was ready to pick myself up and start moving at that famous pace of 100 miles an hour again. I think I need to slow down a little and remember that at the moment, I’m like a Fiat 500 and not the R8 that I think I am.
Some things we can not change, we just need to ride them out and see where they take us. We can’t change when bad things happen, we can’t change peoples behaviours but, we can change the way that we react to them and what we do to keep ourselves in check. So the plan for today, is to pick up my umbrella, hit they gym and see the world. I’m not prepared to waste another day despite the way that I feel and getting out may lift my mood. So whatever you do today, take a little time to check in with yourself and do something that gives you a lift and makes you feel good. You are as important as they world that turns around you, so always give yourself that time.