Considering I had to spend last week in the confines of my bedroom, resting up with a kidney infection, I had plenty of time to catch up on Netflix and lots of rubbish television. As I laid there flicking through title after title, I had plenty of time to think, and we all know that is not a good thing for me to do! Trying to distract myself with plenty of light hearted television, my brain couldn’t help but go to dark and deep places that frankly left me feeling rather exhausted, combine that with the antibiotics and the silence, I had no choice but to play with my evil twin.
I started to think all these rather intense thoughts, spinning round and round in my head whilst I watched another episode of Drag Race. I went to places in my mind that I started to believe I had left behind, and then I heard her, my evil twin, blaming me for all that was wrong with my life and every negative insecurity that I had about myself came floating to the surface. The way I looked at myself in the mirror, what I felt about myself, where my place in the world was and what the hell I was supposed to be doing.
We spend our lives constantly worrying about how the world and people view us, we continually go round in circles making sure to appease everyone and present a whole picture to people we come in contact with (the i”m fine philosophy). We spend the day continually talking to ourselves, in our mind trying to piece together our day in the best way that we can and hopefully make it to the end unscathed. I listen to that little voice in my head that tells me all of the negative and never the positive. I have revealed so much of myself to you all already, however I play with this girl on a daily basis.
I have come to think about her as my saboteur, the one who revels in my pain and loves to make me feel as useless and as irrelevant as she possibly can. It got me thinking, we all have this person inside us, the one who fills our head with every self doubt that we have experienced and every negative feeling. In life there has to be a balance, good v’s evil, so they say. Each of us has this in our mind, how we choose to fight it, is an individual battle that we go through each day.
Some days she wins, and others I have to fight to stay in the game. To be honest, she has been having a great time at the moment as she has her two side kicks (anxiety and depression) that she has been sending out to do her dirty work for her. She sets them loose and before I know it, I’m laying in bed with the covers over my head screaming at them to shut up.
I had it the other night, I laid there and watched the clock tick, hour after hour, all the time my brain was running at 100 miles an hour. My anxiety levels were through the roof and I was begging for the morning to come. I have had quite a lot of things happen recently, that I am still taking time to process and come to terms with. But, it gave them the platform they needed to go to town. Slowly as the hours on the clock passed by and no matter what I did, there was no peace, to the point I was breathless and heading for a panic attack. That is when things changed, my mind set changed, I changed yet again.
This whole experience has been a learning process and one that although has brought me to places I never thought I would go, I have enjoyed evolving, learning who I am again, and understanding others. Understanding the different fights that go on internally within individuals and how they find their strength to fight another day. It inspires me how so many people struggle with thee feelings and at some points, people that you wouldn’t even expect.
I understand that my saboteur will always be there, probably just like the anxiety and the depression, however, it has come to the point that I now understand that I need to manager her. Considering I have been a Manager for most of my life, you would think that this would come easy for me, but I think this will take a bit of time and some practice. It will take time for me to look at her every now and then but remind myself not to stare, because once I do I will become sucked into this spiral of negativity that I quite frankly hate.
I am at a point now, where I will listen to what she has to say, but I wont pay attention, I will re-enforce everything negative with something positive and remember that it doesn’t matter what she has to say about me. I only have to look around at the wonderful people that I have in my life and know that I have my place and that I belong. If these people didn’t think I was worth it, then they wouldn’t be in my life and they wouldn’t help me the way that they do. From La La sitting by the side of me in A&E, to Chica rushing over to make sure I still had my ten fingers and ten toes and for bringing the ice cream (for medicinal reasons of course). That is all the validation I need in my life. The loved ones that I have around me, there are going to be dark days, I know that. However much I am hoping that life will continue on a rainbow with unicorns and glitter, the dark will still appear and so will she. I have to give her credit, where credit is due, that girl can throw shade and read, the same was the wonderful queens on Drag Race (you can tell I got hooked).
But for now girl, get in your box and stay there because I don’t need to hear what you have to say today. I’m only saying that for today, as I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know I’m not going to waste it playing with the negative emotions in my head. I’d rather spend it doing all the things that I love to do and being with the people that I love and love me in return. I have spent months being lost, I don’t want to become lost for a second time, and I’m sure not going to let her lead me down the wrong path again.